By Nikki Cox
My relationship with certainty is one of knowing. My certainty of family, my knowingness of family, extends far beyond my biological family or the family that I inherited through marriage. I was born into a family of stagnation and limitation. Love was conditional. Guilt and shame was the legacy for the females. I had too much life in me to fit in. I remember feeling very hurt by my grandmother criticizing me for philosophizing. I lived in a world of possibilities...
Even so, being captive in the rural South, in a dirt farm mentality of survival, I couldn’t see my options. I sought my freedom in the only way that I knew, and that was to rebel against the denial that was foist upon me. I did… and a part of me died in the process; the illusion of family as a resource for unconditional love and support. I chose not to have a child because I knew that a child would not be a source of fulfillment for me.
The pain of my early experiences propelled me to search for God.
It was a long search full of dead ends, twists and turns, eventually leading me back to Self. But I found it, and it found me. Now my “family” includes the extended human family where there are no expectations or disappointments, where there is simply connection, however brief. This may seem like a sad story, certainly not “Hallmark” material, but it isn’t if it is viewed from my perspective of liberation. I am free. I am free to love everyone. I am free of the limitations and unresolved fears of my biological family. I am free to recognize and receive that spark of connection that I see in a stranger’s eyes.
The one(s) who reflect(s) back to me in a sentence or two what I need to hear in that moment, as though he or she were a channel for Consciousness to remind me of my truth.
That is my family, my spiritual household, and of this I am certain. And as such, everyday is a day of thanks given for my Reconnection to Life.